if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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