thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
