So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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