went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
