one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
