no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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