I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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