if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
