stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
