Im at strip club and am horny
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
