Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she pinky promised me she was 18
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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