Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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