I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
