morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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