you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I am one with the molecules
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
