highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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