I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have demons in me.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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