I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
