You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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