I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
