she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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