i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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