I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
