When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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