Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
