im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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