I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
