matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
