2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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