member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
