AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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