She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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