Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
