Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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