she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize