I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
