I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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