Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
