Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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