maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
