Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
