I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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