I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
