I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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