theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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