he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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