I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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