Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
His nipple licking is glorious
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