just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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