Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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