and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
