shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
