I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
