Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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