surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
