If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
