It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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