FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
a search helicopter?!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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