The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
