Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
