I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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