Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
