Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
