i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
