So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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