Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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