you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize